Straightforward

Suffering is when someone chooses to bear pain, inconvenience, or loss.  One has chosen to acknowledge pain, to let it take its course, and to be patient with it - and whatever that may bring about in the meantime - because healing is better than shoving it under the rug.  And when the better thing ahead comes, one will be better prepared for it.

This is a loose definition of suffering.  It had to be looked up because I had the "Chicken or the Egg" syndrome going on inside of me:  "which came first, pain or suffering?"  One can choose to endure pain; therefore, it causes me to believe pain comes first because one must experience pain and then choose how to handle it.  But then, I have to ask, does suffering cause more pain?  If one chooses to bear up under pain, inconvenience, or loss, does that create more pain in the process?  (Are we then sometimes doomed to seasons of torment?)

I ask because all of us experience pain.  I experience pain.  What do we do with it?  Where do we take it?  Who do we become as a result of those choices?

Simplify it.  Have you ever watched children play?

Most times we can tell between the good, the bad, and the ugly situations.  The good stirs our hearts. Children play in harmony, one will defend another, or perhaps one will help another learn something new - or even share without prompting from a parent.  The bad makes us watchful.  It looks like the occasional fight, stealing toys or positions on the playground from each other, and the all too familiar name-calling.  The ugly might put a lump in our throats.  Several stronger ganging up on one helpless, severe violence from one to another that has no repentance at any point, or making fun of one to the point that he or she is brought to tears.  

I think it is safe to say that nobody (except someone with severe problems) enjoys seeing a child hurt.  To see an innocent child crossing the monkey-bars and then see another maliciously knock them off - whether he did it to enjoy the monkey-bars himself or to see if he could knock them off to put them down - is something that angers a person who loves justice.  The child was innocently enjoying the monkey-bars and doing nothing of ill nature to the other.  So why should he be knocked down?  Only the perverse person - someone who perhaps has been bullied and is a bully - would enjoy seeing something of that nature.  (This is someone who does not believe in justice; therefore, believes that control and manipulation are where true power is held.)

How about peer pressure?  Have you ever seen a child contemplating what to do with peer pressure?  It doesn't even have to be a bad thing but just because she doesn't want to go to that particular activity, she becomes an outcast because "she did something different" and they chose to be insecure about it.  She's out of the "normal club".  Whatever that is.

She is maligned, slandered, gossiped about, pursued maliciously, abused, and hated all because she did something different.  She was honest.  She was straightforward.  She rocked the boat.  

Have you ever seen adults play?

I have relocated for the fourth time because I chose to be honest.  I chose to do something different and people came after, lied about, and abused me.  My employers put me out of work because I refused to be dishonest and to be intimidated by them.  I lost all all my friends.  I lost some family too.  And for all of it, I don't regret it.

This isn't a pity party nor is it a bitter rant.  What can I do with my suffering but be straightforward about it?  I'm grateful and I have to pass that on.

How long I lived to please other people, when it was never enough for them.  How long I was the "yes" lady, when I didn't even think about to what I was saying "yes".  How long did I think I had many friends, when all they did was flatter.  How long did I believe that I was living the life that pleased God, when He had told me to do other things for quite some time.

Do we go throughout each day, experiencing pain, but never suffer?  If we never suffer, we will never get better and actually enjoy the greatness ahead.  What is the alternative to suffering, you ask?  Numbness.  Booze, sex, eating, working, vacations,...anything and everything that we think can keep us busy or distracted enough to deal with and get healed from pain.  Facebook, Twitter, Google,...things in and of themselves are not bad.  But when we use them to avoid the truth, they become aides to vices.  

Are we honest people?  We seem to buy whatever the media sells and yet we can do so much better if we just fess up.  We're all the same flesh and blood with just different colors of skin.  No one can look down on the other.  But are we so afraid someone will have a bad opinion of us?  Are so prideful that we cannot get past the social media site and have an honest conversation anymore?

Or are we just that scared of what we will find if we are truly honest with ourselves?

Kindness Didn't Work

Look away?
Acknowledging head nod?
The "back off" stare down?
Nasty comment?
Complete avoidance of eye contact, stare fixated straight ahead?

"Hey!  How are you doing today?"
What?!  The passerby made direct eye contact, gave a kind greeting, and in a genuine tone. 

That was a nice surprise.

The longer I live, the more I find that the simplest things tend to be the most important.  I also found that if  something seems "complicated" as an adult, I can sometimes look at it through a child's-eye-view to simplify it.  (And often I found that "it's complicated" means "I don't want to tell the truth/say what it really is" or "I don't want to deal with it".)  Simplifying it is often telling the truth and kids are good at just "saying what it is".  We can't solve our problems until we acknowledge we have one, right?

We are not kind to one another.  There is a kindness drought.  And it hurts.

Some of you read that and thought immediately,"Thanks, Captain Obvious."  I am not being critical towards you (as people) because I used to think that way. But I will say that this is part of the problem.

When someone doesn't have fresh food to eat - and is desperate for anything - one will beg for food.  And what is the commonly heard phrase?  "Beggars can't be choosers."  (You will take what you are given; when you are a beggar, you are at the mercy of who you are receiving something from.  You have no choice or control over what you will receive.)  Should there be no place to beg for or receive food, the most desperate place is the waste can (what was thrown away/not edible/not good for consumption).  That which comes from the garbage is certainly not the ideal and will - over time - destroy the body.

The human body was made for fresh food - not waste.  Yet over time, even if the human body consumes waste, it will make adjustments - in a negative way - to what it is being fed.  This results in disaster - not only in the physical body, but also in the emotional and mental makeup of that person as well.  Over time, eating waste has warped the person to the point where what is healthy is not even appealing anymore.  In fact, what is healthy is "wrong" to him or her; what is good is "bad".

Kindness has gotten a bad reputation.  The rumor is that it's weak.  It's for sissies.  People with British accents say,"That's so kind of you."  I remember once telling someone, "That's not very kind," and he replied, "Who cares about being kind?"

If kindness is so bad, then why do we complain about bad Customer Service?  Isn't kindness the heart of good Customer Service? Do you really want your husband to be unkind to you?  Husbands, do you really want your wives do be unkind to you?  Parents, did you like it when your parents were unkind to you?  Do you want to show that same unkindness to your kids?  (And do you want your kids to be kind to you and to others?  Where are they to find out about kindness?)

Children, the Lord knows not one of us have perfect parents but if we even show one bit of kindness to our parents for the fact that they gave us birth - and the fact that you aren't perfect - wouldn't that be more helpful then whining about how much they "messed up" your life for the next 30 years?  (P.S.  No matter what they did, you have the power to make choices to change your life now.  That is, if you want to quit being a victim.  Your choice.  Side note.)  Friends, an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips; can we do honesty - as awkward and difficult as it may be at first - rather than 5 years of division, silence, and strife because we lied, cheated, and stole?  Friends are to be kind to another, most of the time, are they not?

Men, if kindness is garbage, why do I hear so much about the "old man" who never stuck around to teach you anything?  Why don't you change that for your sons and daughters?  Women, if kindness is stupid, why do you continue to shout at the top of your lungs that you are "independent" but then cry about it when you don't get treated fairly?  Women deserve kindness, don't they?

Don't you, I, others deserve kindness?
I believe we do.  Feeding on kindness, given towards each other - through each other, is not only much healthier for us but it is also for what we were made.  And because there has been a drought - partly because of a misunderstanding of kindness - people have been feeding on sarcasm, bitterness, fear, and all other kinds of garbage.  This has warped societies and made kindness look unappealing, when it is really one of the "good's" we need.

As adults, there seems to be a hypocritical unwritten rule that applies to behavior - especially towards other people - that changes once we leave childhood.  Children are supposed to be innocent and do things "a certain way" but adults can do things "children can't do". It seems to be "I'm an adult (over 18) so I can do whatever I want and I can't tell him/her what to do because he/she is an adult (over 18)."  Don't misunderstand me:  I am not advocating that now we all start making rules for everybody else.  This technically is a true statement.  As far as moral behavior goes (except as far laws apply), I am the one who makes decisions on what to do with my life.

To explain further, let's take it on a child's level.

John is swinging on the swings.  Ryan wants to swing on his swing.  Ryan pushes John off the swing, causing him injury, and hops on his swing.  What Ryan did was unkind to John.  It was selfish.  It was wrong.  Certainly we could all agree on that.

Now, back to an "adult-sized" scenario.

Richard has held a high position at the company for ten years.  Brian wants his position.  Brian manipulates his figures (to build up his image against Richard's), falsely attacks Richard's character, bribes a few higher ups in the Executive Branch, and takes the CEO out to lunch - in an attempt to "win him over" - and mention he is interested in making a move.  Richard is demoted without any investigation and Brian receives his position.  What Brian did was unkind to John.  It was selfish.  It was wrong.

I would say, "Certainly we could all agree on that."  But I know for a fact that some people in the business world would say, "That's just how the business world is.  Sometimes you're just a number.  Sometimes you gotta 'play dirty'.  Sometimes...'"  But what they are saying is not truth.  Because by definition, what Brian did was unkind to John.  That's the truth.

Webster's 1828 defines kindness as:
"Good will; benevolence; the temper or disposition which delights in contributing to the happiness of others, which is exercised cheerfully in gratifying their wishes, supplying their wishes, supplying their wants or alleviating their distresses; benignity of nature.  Kindness ever accompanies love."

Did Brian exercise good will towards Richard?  No.  Am I saying that if Brian had put in for Richard's position in a non-malicious manner - and Richard was not happy about that - would Brian be acting unkindly?  Certainly not.  In that scenario, Richard would then have the choice to respond kindly towards Brian - should he receive the position - and be a "gracious loser".  (That's a whole other blog.)  But to act maliciously towards another to gain something is not kindness.

And it's not a behavior that should be tolerated at any age.  Kindness doesn't stop at age 18.

Let's reverse it.  Back to the children.

Regina was thinking about how Jenny struggles with Math tests, and one was coming up on Friday.  She made her a card to cheer her up and picked a flower, then brought it to school on Thursday.  Jenny loved it, gave her a big hug, and thanked her for it.  It encouraged and helped her to do better on the test the next day.

Back to "the adult world"...

Stacey had been battling an addition with drinking for years, but was marking the calendar with a smile.  She had been sober 2 years today.  Shortly afterwards, a fear struck her. 
Can I do this?  Everybody is out of town this weekend and I hope I don't blow this with one drink.  I love where I am and I want to stay healthy.
She took a walk to the mailbox to clear her head and amongst the bills there was a card from her sister.  She smiled as she read on the inside,"Two years already?! Many more to go!  Love you!"

Some people call kindness "stupid" or "cheesy", especially in examples like the above.  You may find that hard to believe but it's true.  But the people that mock it are most often the ones that actually want it the most; they are the wounded and hurting - the ones who have been eating sarcasm, bitterness, and hatred.  Some people don't sit in front of the class because they are afraid of looking "eager".  Others don't ask questions because they are afraid of stupid.  There are men who don't ask women out because they are afraid of being rejected.  Then there are the women who don't let the men ask them out because they are afraid the men won't ask them out.

People who are afraid to be kind don't know kindness.   I'm not saying that to be critical or to be mean.  But you can't give what you don't have.  And you can't have it unless you receive it.  (You certainly can't knock it until you've tried it.) 

Critics will say,"Kindness didn't work.  I tried that."  But true kindness is more powerful than any evil force.  Think with me.  It is easy to lose your temper when the girl at Starbucks messes up your coffee.  It is easy to make a sarcastic comment to your husband, when he did "the same thing he always does" and call him a name.  It is easy to delete your friend's phone number and swear you will "never, ever, ever" talk to him again because he did "x, y, and z".  Anybody can do that.

Anybody can walk casually by and ignore a stranger.  Anybody can be a jerk to the janitor at the High School.  Anybody can make fun of the new guy at work because he didn't know where the cafeteria was.  Anybody can pretend the elderly woman isn't there and needs help with her things.  Anybody can - and certainly has the right - to be unkind.

BUT...it takes effort, it takes discipline, it goes against the grain to be kind.  It is powerful.  Whether you see results right away or not is irrelevant.  The beauty of kindness is that you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to be hurt - to be open - that another person may be helped in some way.  You are humbling yourself for the benefit of another.  It takes more power to humble yourself than to exalt yourself.

And yes, it takes Jesus.
You cannot give what you don't have.  True kindness begins and ends with Him.  You won't knock it after you've tried it.

Look away?
Acknowledging head nod?
The "back off" stare down?
Nasty comment?
Complete avoidance of eye contact, stare fixated straight ahead?

Hey, How are You doing today?

Pit Bulls Leaving the China Shop

I understand why some people hate church.

As long as I can remember, unless a communicable illness was obtained - or other valid arguments brought to Judge and Jury (parents) containing solid evidence and/or reasoning as to why church attendance would not be possible  - I was there.  (And my "lawyer skills" were developed on many a Sunday morning.)  In fact, I was there Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, Wednesday evenings, VBS, and other special events.  I was at church.  It was my second home.

Looking back, I can recognize and admit that as a child, one of the reasons "church" was hated because "the child" had some issues with laziness.  (I would rather stay home, sleep in, and watch cartoons than get up early, put on a dress, and fight in the car - on the way to church - and not put up with the oddities that happened during church.)  The other reason was much deeper and more personal.  The easiest way to describe it - without writing my life story - is to say that sometimes it seemed like some kind of a twisted game to me.  (But who was winning?)  I sometimes just felt disappointed.

For example, I stood in a church once - where I had been attending for quite some time - during the worship service.  While the music played and my thoughts were surveyed, I remember being so adamant about how much I didn't like anything about that place.   I am normally not this type of person and try to find the good in everything; however, I also always want to be honest.  (Flattery is a disservice to people and will get you nowhere at the same time.)  I thought, "I don't like the way they open the service; the people are not friendly here; these people were good about this but the follow-through wasn't there; this person tried to manipulate me several times and this one flatters me up and down; the preaching here is decent in some parts but a good portion of it is emotional, Hallmark channel stuff; this dude plays on his ipad during the preaching."

These observations - while true and not made with a critical attitude - bothered me to the point where I reached a state of empathy.   (For both the people in these types of churches and those who comes to them.)   Everyone can experience some "new guy" anxiety when visiting a new place, and we all have our ideas of how "we think" a service or church may/may not operate; however, a good church should leave someone knowing they are welcomed, loved, that Christ is there, His Word is preached, and it is lived out.  (And if they didn't do that, there should be an apology.)  It's pretty simple.

With that being said, that very day I was challenged to do something different than the norm.

I had gone from extremely irritable and cranky (all my "I don't likes") to experiencing this deep empathy for all these people who are currently stuck in a cycle of miserable religion.  (A cycle in which I used to be.)  I heard,"What will you do?"

I could complain.  I could pick up my right to rant and rave, like so many other times - and human beings - and go off on the Pastor and the church.  After all, I have had to "suffer" through so many services of this "nonsense".  Shouldn't a Pastor know what he/she is doing?!  (Sure.)  Shouldn't a Pastor be perfect?  (Well...not really.)  Shouldn't the Pastor be responsible for my happiness?!  (Uhhh...no.  Read your Bible.)

But wait, I could also do it in a more subtle, "professional" manner.  I could make up something so nobody's feelings get hurt. "I just want to make a change...this just really isn't for me."  That way, nobody has to get hurt, you know.  (Rather, my pride doesn't have to get hurt right now.  And all those people continue to suffer needlessly.  I suppose that is a selfish choice.)

There are less selfish choices.  I'm certainly not advising to subject oneself to abuse - I would never say that.  But how about refusing to be the pit bull in the china shop and trying out kindly spoken truth?  How about good, "old-fashioned" self-control?  After all, people want to be able to "speak their minds", so what is wrong with telling people the truth and telling them in a way that shows them a little respect? 

"You know, I don't really like tuna fish but thanks for offering."
As opposed to:  "Why would you make me a tuna fish sandwich, you idiot?!"

"I don't really want to see that movie.  It doesn't look interesting to me.  Can we try something else?"
As opposed to:  "That movie sucks.  I want to see [name of the movie]."

"Your hair looks good but I don't think that dress will work for the event."
As opposed to:  "If you want to look like a retard, wear that dress.  But your hair is fine."

"I don't know the answer to that question. Let me get back with you."
As opposed to:  "Don't be asking me all these questions!  I don't know everything!"

"I appreciate you having me but this just isn't the church for me."
As opposed to:  "Your music is way too loud, your preaching is just way off, this has to be one of the unfriendliest churches I have ever been to...I just can't believe you can call yourselves a church!"

For some people it may sound ridiculous but do you know how ridiculous the nasty complainer sounds?  If you don't believe me, just go to Youtube and you can find a stream of videos with people ranting and raving - demanding they be heard.  These videos are "entertainment" because they show themselves to be fools to the world.  Not only do they appear as fools to the world, but the saddest part is that every person refusing to choose self-control is just another person unleashing their venom on someone else.

"If you can't say something nice"...almost all of us can finish the sentence.  I would also say, if you are about to be the pit bull, just walk away for a while.

But don't give up.  Make sure you make a return visit when you regain control.

Don't Throw Your Paddle

I could never play ping pong professionally, nor did I ever have a desire to play at that level.  My greatest fear was a ball smacking me at 70 miles per hour.  (Some of you know what I am talking about.)  I played fast-pitch softball and that was enough for me.

While I didn't compete professionally in ping pong, I did play enough in the "amateurs"(garages and backyards) to know that it takes two people to play a game.  Even if one person is a noticeably stronger player than the other, the game requires that two people put motion behind paddles in order to get the ball across the table in a somewhat skilled fashion.  (For some of us, just getting it across the table at all is our "skilled fashion" and we're fine with that.)  The rest of us bragged about being on some Junior League.

Regardless of whether or not you played, most people have the common knowledge that it takes two people to play the game. 

Imagine enjoying a good, competitive game of ping pong with a new friend.  All of the sudden your opponent tosses his paddle at you and shouts,'This isn't right, man!  I'm a better player than you!  I practiced more than you!  I should be winning!"

Not quite sure what to say, as you are shocked by the behavior - and rubbing your head from the paddle mark - you stand and search for what to say.  Certainly not, "Forgive me."

But this is what has happened and is continued to be allowed in society as acceptable behavior towards one another.  Why?  
"He was just being real."  

I disagree.  He was actually not using self control (lost his temper - in this situation) and acting selfishly.  He then took it out on someone and in more and more cases, this is becoming acceptable behavior to where the person being hurt/abused is the one being asked to apologize.   Does that make sense to anyone?  It's a simple case of cause and effect where somehow the roles have been getting reversed; however, selfishness and hatred has been trying "to win out" over love and respect.

The lie is that if you are losing or it appears things are falling from you grip, you need to "take charge" and "dominate"; show everybody "what's up" or that "you are it" by shoving people around and demonstrating your power!  The truth is that the more you have to show your power and give in to the pressure, it is proving you have no power at all.  Bullies are some of the saddest people because they feel like nobodies; they pick on people in an attempt to feel important.

I'm not saying if you lose your temper you're a loser.  We all blow our tops sometimes.  But if you are regularly putting the blame on something or someone else and not taking responsibility for yourself - and a temper - you will continually be blowing up yourself, others, and situations around you.  And you will constantly wonder why no one will want to play ping pong with you.

No one wants to play with someone who keeps throwing the paddle at them.  

"The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out." -Proverbs 17:14